


Ice Cream for a Bad Day

by dafishbitch



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Langst, Shiro's PTSD, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Someday..., also pidge is a little shit, hunks an angel, now space dad is a real dad, so is keith, so is lance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-09-25 12:44:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9821039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dafishbitch/pseuds/dafishbitch
Summary: After Shiro's tour in Iraq, where he lost his arm. He comes back with a heavy heart after his friend Matt Holt was killed in the same explosion that took his arm. He soon finds out that Matt's little sister has no place to go, so Shiros now gotta raise a child and deal with what happened on his tour. (I promise its gonna be more fluffy later after all the set up)





	1. Getting Back

The sun is 10 times stronger here it brought the temperature up to the 100s by at least 10 o'clock. Shiro thought that he'd never complain about heat ever again when he got back. They all were running on MREs, all the good ones were eaten a while ago, that made it even more unbearable with the 4-5 hours of sleep anybody got that put the cherry right on top.

“When I get back I'm gonna get the biggest big ice cream cone and eat it on an ice rink,” Shiro said out loud to no one in particular. That's what everybody talked about here, what it’s gonna be like when they get back. 

Holt replied from right behind him, “Me too, but my dad's gonna shove some goddamn peas down my throat first. Why couldn't he just grow corn like a normal person?” all six guys on the patrol bellowed with laughter.

Peterson, who's behind Holt called back, “Good thing you'll be back in time to save your new little sister from that horrible fate!” Shiro could tell that Holt was smiling just thinking about being a big brother and being home. “Yeah, my mom should be having her anytime, I haven't heard from them in a while. They must be busy with baby stuff and goddamn pea shit!”

Peterson was also smiling as he said, “Being a brother is amazing, my twin sister can be a bitch, but she is pretty awesome.”

The guy at the end of the line was holding his gun in very suggestive way “Well Peterson, you can't save your sister from this fate. She must be fucking all the college boys now!” 

Peterson was about to retort before Shiro interjected “Hey, let Wells win one for once.” 

“Sure, Shiro. My sister’s gay anyway,” he said, flipping Wells off.

They turned the corner of a destroyed building. All of them were in a line going towards an ancient stark mosque stood at the end of the plaza. Even with Iraq being a sand bitch that is too hot and too sunny this all will survive as it has for centuries and piss on all our graves Shiro thought. As will all these people going about their day, they’ve already lasted a millennium.

Wells was finally ready with a comeback as they reached the edge of the plaza. A women in a black hijab holding onto a young boy screamed before Wells could even start. There was a man in the crowd with a mortar projectile aiming at us and all of the other oblivious people going about their business. 

It was too late for anyone to stop him from pulling that damned trigger. Before the team could even respond, the mortar was already on them as well as the all of the people around them. Shiro saw the projectile hit between between Holt, and Peterson a few feet back, though closer to Holt. 

Everything went black for Shiro, his ears were ringing like the church bells he used to hear every Sunday back home. He could feel everything in his body scream in agony before he himself could scream like a child to his mother. A mother was holding her own child as he was lying on the ground unmoving with blood dripping from the back of his head like a rushing waterfall. Red stained the ground like a calm lake. She was crawling towards the wreckage of the building with her still child and screaming his name and arabic words that was barely heard over other screams. Even with the church bells in his ears, he couldn't drown out their cries.

He tried moving, but found himself paralyzed by pain. Pain coming from his face and the right side of his body, especially his arm. It made him join the chorus of screams, like the ones you would hear in a horror movie, but even more haunting.

Blood steamed into Shiro’s mouth from a large gash across his face that came from the rebounding rock from the blast. He was starting to feel light headed and things started to blur. The ringing in his head became louder and louder like thunder until it all went black. 

 

Shiro’s eyes fluttered open, but shut once again due to the light. Though his eyes were closed, he could tell he was on a plane. The noise alone made him feel like his head was going to explode like the projectile. Everything hurt so much. His breath was caught in his throat. The doctor by his side now realized he was awake, and injected something that made him start to go back into the warm embrace of darkness.

 

Shiro woke up again to a blinding light. All the pain was still there, but not as bad as before. The light made it hard to concentrate on anything that would tell him where he was. 

His eyes slowly adjusted to the fan that danced above the room. He could hear the meticulous beeping of a monitor in the bed next to him. 

One of the nurses was checking another person next to him who had bandages covering his whole body. Shiro couldn't tell who he was, nor did he want to know. The nurse saw Shiro's desperate attempts at movement, and quickly dashed out of the room to fetch a doctor. There was a second person in the room with him, but he was even more indistinguishable than the first.

Moments later, an older woman in a white doctor's coat calmly took one of the stools and placed it next to Shiro and sat down to look him right in the eyes.

“Shiro I don't know how to tell you this-” 

“Ma'am with all due respects, please don't sugar coat anything, just tell me first if I'm the only one who survived.” his voice was like crinkled paper breaking on every word. His desperation was apparent. She didn't seem shocked at this, for she had seen many like him before.

“I'm not dead yet Shiro.” Peterson, the person the bed next to him, said. His voice was so quiet and hoarse, he could barely be heard. His legs were gone, but people without legs live all the time.

“Thank God Peterson” Shiro was starting to tear up. The tears slowly spilled over and onto his pale features. 

“Hey, back to me.” The doctor sarcastically waved her hand to get him to stop from turning to see Peterson. 

“Well, I'm not going to sugar coat it at your request. You lost   
your right arm and got some nasty scars all over your body and face.” 

“Isn’t his face also his body?” The nurse inquired innocently. The doctor gave her a look.

He finally looked at where his right arm should be.There were bandages on the stump that measured about 6 inches from his shoulder. His tears threatened to fall again.

“Also you’re out of Iraq, and in Germany. Congrats. Your parents are have been notified, so they should probably be here soon” The doctor said monotonously. She raised her fist in poorly conducted enthusiasm.

“God, I need a smoke break.” She was halfway to the door when she hustled back to whisper something to the nurse. She then took a cigarette from her coat and placed it on the bed stand. She winked but could be just her half blinking. All the painkillers being pumped in Shiro’s body made it hard for him to tell. 

Shiro was attempting to cope with the loss of his arm. He tried to move where his arm should be, and it barely wiggled. He looked away and bit his lower lip, not wanting to think about it just yet. But he couldn't stop the thoughts of what would be next. Shiro wished he had the sense of duty that made him still want to go back and fight the good fight, but all they did there was jack shit up and see kids get blown up. In a way, he was a part of that...

He didn't know how long he sat in the silence. It wasn't like it was easy to talk about what happened, but he could barely move his head to see what had happened to Peterson. The images wouldn't stop running in circles around his head, each passing making it even harder for him to process. Not because he couldn't physically, but mentally he just couldn't deal with the guilt. He was the leader, and he’d gotten them hurt. It was his responsibility to keep them safe. Shiro looked numbly up at the twirling ceiling fan.

Shiro didn't remember falling asleep, but when he awoke, his mother's warm soft hand was on his remaining one when he woke up. His parents were both crying. His mother’s usually tidy hair was now a mess, his father wasn’t even wearing his glasses. His suit from working as a lawyer was in disarray. They both had gotten on the quickest flight to Munich, both being unable to pack a bag.

He couldn't believe that they were there, by his side, and not on some letter or photo he was sent. His heart hurt just with them there, he missed them so fucking much. His eyes started to tear up as he looked at his weeping parents. 

Their silent reunion was interrupted by the barely audible sound of the flatline’s loud beeping. He wanted to ignore the sound, and just squeeze his mother's hand but several nurses came rushing in. They took the man out just as fast as they came in.

Shiro’s hearing in his right ear was damaged but he could still faintly hear what Peterson was saying, “Where are they taking Holt?” Was it really him? Shiro thought, panicking.

The moment he had with his parents was gone like the day dying with the night. His eyes widened, still filled with tears. He squeezed his mother's hand tighter. If it was Holt, he could only pray to a god that took his arm and scarred his body. He let his head fall back onto the too comfortable pillow, His tears still spilling over the dam. All that was running through his head was that Peterson was on some major medication, so maybe he was just projecting?

“Hey, Tadashi do you want some ice cream?” His mother asked quietly when she called him that, it made him tear up more. He turned his head so she couldn't see him crying. He nodded his head. He really needed some goddamn ice cream. 

 

The city where the base was had some good goddamn ice cream. It was hard for him to feed himself, so his mother was feeding it to him. It was chocolate, his favorite. He was still trying not to think about what was happening. The fan just kept spinning. His mother tried to talk, but she kept stopping. As soon as she opened her mouth, she would close it again. Shiro’s father was still sitting in the chair. He had fallen asleep, His tie cattywampus.

Shiro was hoping the reason that Holt, which it might not have been, left, was because he was getting better. His mother gave him a rather large mouthful of chocolate ice cream as the doctor came in. She passed him without so much as a look at him. Shiro swallowed quickly, almost choking, so he could call out to her to ask how the guy, who may or may not have been Holt, was doing, or God forbid he was dead. 

“Ma’am, is the man that was in the bed next to Peterson, is his name Holt?” Shiro could barely speak his name. All of this was his fault, he was the squad leader, and he was supposed to protect everyone.

“I'm already failing,” Shiro thought. Even though no one told him any of the casualties, Baghdad was a like maze. What if he didn't take that right and took the left? Maybe all of them would still be twiddling their thumbs watching those sand cheap pirated movies, and just waiting to go home. What if some of them would never get home? 

The women, not even looking up from checking on Peterson replied “I think so.” She paused, her hands hovering over Peterson like she didn't know what to do for a moment of doubt “He died in surgery today.”

Shiro could hear the sharp intake of air Peterson breathed. He seemed to choke, as though the air the just breathed into his lungs was poisonous. How could she say it so nonchalantly? Shiro had the same reaction as Peterson, though his mother had his hand to give what little comfort she could. 

The doctor quickly finished whatever she was doing and made a speedy getaway, but when she was at the door, she stopped to think and quickly turned around and quickly walked to Shiro's bedside stand. She placed a whole box of good Ole American Indian cigarettes near the singular one she had given him earlier. She couldn't meet his eyes.

“It's gonna be ok.” His mother squeezed harder as the fan still danced on the ceiling. Shiro knew it wasn't, at least not his arm and his scarred face. What was it going to be like back home? 

Shiro hadn't wanted to look because he was a coward to see if his face was ok. It definitely wasn't ok for Holt’s family. How was he going to tell them this was his fault? How?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is the chapter when Pidge (my favorite) comes in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for all the OCs in the last chapter, it was the only way to make the story work. sorry for the hiatus too lol, I was lazy. Chapter 3 will be out soon buts its a lot shorter though.

Shiro was in Germany for a month, and he never did learn how to speak any German. He never even left the base, so everybody he really talked to was either American, or they spoke English well. The Vice President even came to visit the troops and took photos with them. He even gave Shiro a medal. Shiro frankly didn't care that he was there. The metal meant nothing when it was his fault his team was hurt. It was basically a pity metal. Hey, you got your arm blown off. We're sorry for your loss, here take a meaningless piece of earth left over from Vietnam. 

His mother got him ice cream every day. She even bought some for the Vice President. That was all he ate except for the stuff the nurses attempted to get his father or mother to shove down his throat when all he wanted was ice cream. 

For all that wishing to come home, he didn't really want to face anything back in America. Maybe, he thought, if they sent me back. But that was a stupid idea. Who'd let a man with only one arm be trusted with an automatic weapon? It's not like he really wanted to go back to Iraq, but what was he going to do in the states but face all of the families of his fellow soldiers? 

Germany was some kind of limbo zone for Shiro, neither home or enemy territory. Shiro wanted to come back someday to see castles and shit instead of just going to therapy. It was increasingly dull for him and mostly it left him to his thoughts which are something that shouldn't happen. They haunt him.

He got on the C-5, ironically the same one that took him from America to Iraq, The incredibly huge air plane made the whole base look like it’s bitch. The body of it looked too big for its wings. He sat down as only a couple people filtered on as it was for military personnel only. 

There was a tiny window to the front so he could watch the world go by as they flew. He always wanted to fly in one, but not like this. His thoughts drifted to his parents, and how they were like the two supporting arms he would never have again. 

He just wanted to go to college but his parents were broke, and joining the National Guard seemed like the best option. It was only a weekend a month and they paid for everything. He was hoping to be an astrophysics major. Maybe go to space, he knew he could do it with the military but he didn't want the chance of being stuck with something shitty. 

He didn't think he'd go back to school just yet. It's not like he was there long, he was there for 6 months before he got that notice that he'd been chosen at random for a tour in Iraq. So maybe when he moves out and is more financially stable he’ll go back. One day Shiro promises himself.

Shiro mulled over this for half the flight. He was ashamed of himself that he was thinking so far ahead when Holt, who was so much smarter than him wasn't going to get to go to school and change the world like he hoped when he got back. 

He looked out the dinky window right as there were no clouds in the sky. The ocean was so blue with the noon sun shimmering like a million sequences on its waves. He’d only ever seen the Atlantic ocean. He's seen it like a warring tempest, and a calm hand on your back as you swam. He missed New Jersey, even with all its dumb shit like Jersey shore. These thoughts lead him into a light sleep.

Shiro woke with a start as the plane landed with a thud. He still was getting used to getting a normal amount of time to sleep. His grogginess was apparent as he gathered his bag and almost dropped it, but caught it before it touched the floor. His combat boots seemed useless here, but he still had to be wearing his uniform. It felt foreign somehow.

His parents were waiting for him with flowers that he didn't recognize, but they were quite nice looking with their blues and pinks. Also waiting were a couple of people from high school, his grandma and his old boss from the job he had to leave when he went to college. 

He was jet lagged, and he just wanted to go home and faceplant in a bed. He greeted everyone curtly, but he had missed them dearly as they missed him.

After all that, his parents ushered him into their banged up car. His father was at the wheel as he sat in the back. He placed the flowers on his lap, but a small kitten jumped up and partially crushed the flowers to sit on his lap. He was so confused. He was about to ask what this black cat was doing here but his mother beat him to it “I know you really like cats, and I was reading up on soldiers that came back, and it said that animals help.”

Shiro smiled brightly as he buckled up and petted the cat. It was purring loudly and nuzzled his chest. “What's its name?” 

“Her name can be whatever you want it to be.” his Father smiled as they took the rush hour crazy highway home. 

Since Shiro isn't that creative, he decided to name her Black Kat, with a K, because he tried to make her name at least a little bit cooler, so maybe the other cats don't make fun of her.

The jet lag really got to him. The moving of the car rocked him back to sleep. His head feels against the cool window and he was knocked right out. 

Shiro dreamed of Iraq, the sand, the smell, the big ass spiders, and the gunshots. Especially the gunshots. They rang in his ear with the pattern of church bells. He never liked the sound of church bells.

His mother was lightly shaking him with worry when they got back home. His head jolted up in surprise. His fist had been clenched. It took a couple seconds for him to realize where he was, he was safe. 

His breath eventually began to die down, his parents’ faces frozen in worry again. This happened often in Germany, and even when he was in Iraq. Time was frozen. He looked at them both. His eyes were wide. He swung his head to avoid their pity and grabbed all his stuff from the trunk. He swiftly walked to the door, with Black Kat in his arms. 

He tried to open the door but it was locked, his mother came up behind him and without saying a word unlocked the door. His breath now normal but his voice was shaky “Mom don’t worry I’m ok, I'm- I’m just getting used to being back.” he smiled at her, the smile never reached his eyes.

When Shiro got inside everything came back to him, he’d missed it all so much. He really smiled this time just dropping his bag right on the floor. Both his parents and him, now frozen again but in the best possible way. 

 

It had been about two weeks since he'd been back, and the doctors still wanted him to be cautious about his body because he was still recovering. Even though the doctors advised no junk food for awhile, he decided to treat himself to a Big Macs whenever.

He had just woke up from another nightmare of seeing Holt die and everything was just so red. Shiro, after his breathing returned to normal, looked down at the bright red numbers and discovered it was 5 am. He felt thankful for Black Kat since she always slept at his side to comfort him after every nightmare. 

Shiro tried to will his body back to sleep as the sun rose even more. By the time he gave up on going back to sleep, the phone rang with an impatient tone. He was home alone so he begrudgingly had to answer it. He made his way out of his bedroom which was only slightly lit up through the slits in the shades. Whoever was calling was probably his mom asking if he wanted some milk or something, Shiro guessed. 

It wasn't his mom, though he recognized the voice immediately. Her high tone made her seem like she was talking down to you, which she usually was, “Is Shiro home? I need to ask him a question.” He closed his eyes and sighed internally. It was his old boss's daughter. He was the only employee that ever really did their job and she’d boss Shiro around like she was the boss (she kinda was but not really). “It’s Shiro.” He said with the most monotone voice he could muster and rolled his eyes.

“Hello Shiro, I heard you just got back, how was Iraq?” Did he actually hear her say that? How was Iraq? He wondered sarcastically. It took him some moments to actually reply because how stupid the question was “It was fine.” He replied in the least sarcastic voice he could muster.

“Oh that's nice” she continued “I was wondering if you want a job? My Dad is getting old and quite delusional. I can't come visit because I'm a lawyer in California.” She paused clearly waiting for praise. She continues as Shiro says nothing. “I need someone to live in with him, so he doesn't fall, or do something stupid or whatever. He refuses to go to a retirement home, how annoying.” The California had replaced the New Jersey in her. “So you'll cook and clean too, his apartment isn't that big so it won't be hard. He’ll probably also give you your old job at the store.”

“Why don't you just hire one of those people that are trained to do these kinds of things?” He had just had seen her father two weeks ago when he got back in the states. Coran seemed fine and in a good state of mind, but it was kind of a blur getting off that airplane and going home.

She scoffed “Do you think my dad would let random people into his house, especially to live with him? Anyway, he knows you, it'll be ok. So do you want the job or not?” 

Shiro didn't have many options for employment. He hadn't really thought about it until now, and now that he was, this seemed to be a pretty easy way to get enough money for continuing college. He’d also be paid for living in a house (without paying rent).

“Ok, so when do I start?” Shiro agreed to basically be a live in maid/hospice.

“Great, how about tomorrow?” Then she abruptly hung up.

When his parents got home, he told them about the job. They seemed skeptical, but they also realized that he was 20 and they couldn't do anything to stop him. They let him know that he can always come back. Going back to school was a priority for them, but for Shiro, he didn't want to inconvenience his parents anymore. 

That night with B.K. lying on the end of the bed, curled up sleeping in a ball, Shiro started packing his bag. Realizing that there was a possibility that he couldn't bring her with him. He would sneak her if he couldn’t, he’d concluded. 

Shiro would miss this place. His bed that still had the Pokemon comforter and sheets. His books that he used to use as procrastination from homework. When he was in Iraq, he honest to god missed homework. 

He gathered his things. There wasn't much. He’d come for BK last. It was harder to do all of this with only one arm, which he was still getting used to.  
His old red pickup truck was still in the garage after all this time. It was banged up with a long dent on the bed from that time when he scraped a tree to avoid a squirrel. It was a moment of great shame for him. 

Getting B.K. last, he put her in the cab part, as there was only one row of seats. He pulled out of the driveway only then realizing that BK wasn't wearing a seatbelt. She was lying in the seat and he carefully placed the seat belt around her. 

The grayish-brown building where he'd be living wasn't that far from his parent’s house. When he got there, he saw that nothing had changed from the peeling paint to the posters on the window of a little convenience store that was on the bottom floor. The top floor of the two-story building, like all the others on the street, were residential with nice curtains and everything. 

Shiro sighed and parallel parked for what seemed like hours. He left BK in the truck because he didn't want to wake her up from her nap. He got out and grabbed his stuff from the bed of the truck. He started walking up to the door with his bag, but he hesitated. He didn't even call to make sure that this wasn't some weird prank or something. Shiro rang the doorbell anyway. 

It was a Sunday morning, but he knew that Coran would be awake because he filled the stereotype of any old person getting up early to read the paper. It took Coran a minute to finally open the door, and he was very surprised to see Shiro there. It was an awkward silence as they just stared at each other without giving any explanations.

Shiro Finally cut the silence, ”So I’m guessing she didn't tell you?” Coran still looked confused “Your daughter sent me to live with you, she thinks you're dying or will hurt yourself, which then would result in you dying.” 

Everything fell into place for him as he let out a sigh and let Shiro in. They climbed the flight of stairs that lead from the entry to the rest of the apartment. “I'll make you some coffee. We can talk about all this when it’s ready,” he stated as he went into the kitchen that was off of the living room. 

Shiro sat on the old-timey couch that didn't match any of the other furniture in the room, nothing was a set it was a whirlwind of centuries in one living room. He came back with 2 different colored cups of coffee. He handed one to Shiro as he sat in the armchair by the window. 

“My daughter set you up for this?” He asked with a steady tone.

“Well yeah, and she's gonna pay me. Didn’t she tell you that I was coming?” Shiro thought maybe he forgot or that memory loss was already taking hold. 

“Of course not, why would she?” He huffed, taking another swig of his coffee. “Honestly I was faking it all so she'd at least come visit once in awhile.” 

Shiro knew his daughter was a bitch, but not this big of one. “So how much is she paying you?” Coran inquired grabbing Shiro’s attention, pulling him from his thoughts.

“Enough, she must be making good money in LA.” He shrugged. Maybe if she had so much money she could afford a plane ticket. Shiro thought.

“I’ll tell you what, You can live here and we split the money, I’ll consider it rent.” he finished his coffee in one final gulp. Placing it on the mismatched table. “If you still want your job at the store, I can give it to you. You'll be paid minimum wage though.”

This was probably one of the nicest things that has happened to Shiro since he got back. Shiro smiled, and without hesitation answered “Yeah sounds good.” he finished his coffee. “Also, do you like cats?”

 

Moving in was easy. Thankfully Coran liked cats. Shiro moved into the small spare bedroom with a queen sized bed that took up most of the space. He placed his carefully folded clothes in the tall drawers of his dresser.

B.K. took a great liking to the new space. She was now standing in the windowsill that overlooked the grimy alleyway. Like a queen on her throne. 

The phone rang in the kitchen, and Coran picked it up and said a couple words, then called for Shiro. He strolled in and took the phone from Coran's hands. 

His mother's voice filled his ears. She talked about how happy she was that he found a place to live, as he explained his current situation. She really wanted him to be ok, so she told him about the VA that was a couple blocks away from the store. “Just try it Tadashi,” he agreed not wanting to tell her that he was still scared to even talk about it, or to let her know that he was a coward. 

It took about two weeks for Shiro to work up the courage to even get into the truck after work. He took a deep breath and turned the key. He kept turning it until he frustratedly got out and slammed the driver's door. He just started to walk down the alleyway until it met up with the long street to the V.A.

When he finally got there, it was starting to cool down and the sun giving up to twilight. He paused at the door then opened it slowly and carefully like it could break. There was a woman at a desk with paper stacks too high to actually have not fallen down. She looked up from her big computer and asked “You here for the meeting? it doesn't start for like another half hour.” She then continued her seemingly boring work.

He sat on a hard chair and just stared at the wall as he waited. Whenever he was given some sort of free time, his mind would wander to where it shouldn't. This time was no exception.

There was a tap on his shoulder while he was out wandering in his mind. A man taller and much older than him smiled “the meeting will start soon. I've not seen you here before, I'm Rick.” he extended his hand.

Shiro shook it and answered “I'm Shiro. I'm glad I'm not the only one early”

“I always come early, they usually bring donuts. And by them I mean me.” He lifted the bag he was holding. ”I’ll show you the rest it's just down in the basement.”

When the meeting started Shiro just sat there listening and eating his tasty donut, They were from mostly Vietnam, a couple from Afghanistan, there was a Gulf war vet and a Korean too. They talked about how they were dealing with being back even after all these years. That it still haunted them. They asked him to share but he politely declined. Some of them even had prosthetics like Shiro, he had never liked them especially since it had no function because his arm was cut off too high to really even move it.

After listening intently for the whole hour, the meeting finished. He quietly left the building without saying goodbye. It was now pretty chilly as he started to walk back to his truck, the street lamps only slightly penetrated the darkness with beams of orange light. Shiro shoved his one hand into his shirt pocket. 

He was about to turn the corner when he heard a scruffy voice. “Give me all your money.” He stopped and carefully turned around. The man was holding a gun with one hand, he had it sideways like the guys in the movies. The man stepped forward half his body now covered in the light, but his face was still hidden in its silhouette. 

“You’re holding the gun wrong, if you’re gonna shoot me, at least do it right,” Shiro said blankly, though his heart was racing a million miles a minute. “You need to have both hands on the gun first off, and second, your stance It's terrible-” The guy was taken aback for those few moments but now he stepped even closer. “Shut the fuck up.” Shiro closed his mouth, his heart in his throat, his stomach churning.

Shiro shoved his hand into his pocket to pull out the couple dollars that he had. He handed it to the guy who looked at it and puzzled “dude this all you got?” now that he was in the light he really looked like a stoner, but he was really giving Shiro the pity face. He gave one final look at Shiro, a real look. 

He dropped the money and ran. Shiro stood there stunned, probably for like a minute till he just sat on the sidewalk. 

He just stared at the money but looked past it, he could've died, again. It wasn't even the attempted robbery that scared him, it was not being ever to tell someone, anyone it was his fault that Holt died. He started to cry right on that sidewalk and had to use his now only hand to wipe the river of tears away. He was going to have to stop running and finally tell Holt's parents and sibling.

Getting up was a little difficult, but he did it and started to walk back. He’d always had his address in the little journal, what some people would call a diary, of what he felt or saw when he was in Iraq. He had all their addresses, so maybe they'd meet back up or whatever. Now he could barely even look at it without his stomach clenching. 

Shiro slowly opened the door knowing what he had to do. He climbed the stairs careful not to be loud just in case Coran Was asleep. In his bedroom, he opened the closet door and meticulously opened his bag. He held the small journal firmly. It was too late to turn back now. Shiro let out a long sigh and opened it.

He walked out of the room, preparing himself for his little road trip to South Carolina. Just thinking about facing Matt’s parents made him want to vomit.

He remembered when he got to the living room that his truck wouldn't start. “Fuck!” Coran appeared from the kitchen with a bowl of cereal and only his underwear. “So why the fuck,” he said with his mouth full of fruit loops. A blue loop accidentally fell onto the hardwood floor.

“My-My truck won't start and I need to go now. It's important.” 

“You not selling or doing drugs?” Coran slurped between bites of his cereal. “Of course not.” Shiro automatically answered

“Just take my little lemon, it sucks but it'll get to wherever your need to go.” Shiro’s breathing started to calm down and he slightly smiled “Thank You so much, I’d hug you, but you're practically naked.” 

“The keys are in the basket. And this is my house, I wear what I want when I want.” Shiro couldn't argue with that so he said thank you again, grabbed what little money he had stored in his mattress and the keys and he was on his way.

 

 

The highway was lined with fields of corn and soybeans. It was almost breathtaking with the moonlight turning to dawn shadows. Shiro pulled into a gas station with lights too bright for normal use. He got out of the car, he was getting close. He didn't shiver like in New Jersey, it was still pleasant. 

The bell jingled when he entered. There was the only cashier in the store. Shiro strolled up to the counter. The cashier jumped up in surprise falling off his chair and hitting his head on the ground when he was awoken by Shiro.

Shiro apologized. “Just don't tell my boss please,” he said with a thick accent. Shiro nodded and handed him the address “Can you point me where I need to go I'm lost”

“Why do want to go to Holt’s house. He’s armed and god fearin’ you know. His wife and son died so he really ready to make a deal with the devil. Why do you want to go there? ” Shiro could barely hide his shame and grief on his face. He hadn't known that his mother died too. “I-I didn’t know they had died, can you still give me directions?” avoiding his question. He did and Shiro grabbed some food exited to another ring at the door.

When Shiro got into the car, he couldn't hold it in anymore. The tears wouldn't stop falling. Did his mom commit suicide because of Holt? What happened to that baby girl? 

He probably sat there for about 10 minutes. He remembered he needed to take deep breaths, so he could begin to calm down. His breath started to steady out. The twinkling stars started to set in those fields right behind him.

The now morning sun peeked above the pea field when he finally pulled up the old house. He finally knew why Holt joined to avoid this place, it wasn't worth dying to avoid though. 

A man came out of the house with a shotgun in his hands. He looked so much like Holt, too much gray hair and balding though. Shiro quickly got out and put his hand up. Before he could even speak Mr.Holt had come over and pointed the gun at him. What a week.

“Who the fuck are you?” Mr. Holt snarled. “My Name is Tadashi Shirogane, I served with your son. I was there with him when he died.” Shiro had said it so calmly like he was just on a daily stroll, but in reality, he could barely move in fear. His heart was almost popping out of his chest. 

Mr. Holt stood there like a deer in headlights. He slowly lowered his shotgun from Shiro. Mr. Holt still looked skeptical “So you've come to talk about Matt huh? Come inside.” He shouted before spinning around and drunkenly walking back to the house, dragging the shotgun behind him. Shiro followed him with utmost caution. He was going to have to tell him it was his fault, but after he didn't have a gun in his hands.

The house was a mess, furniture not in its place, dishes everywhere and beer bottles on every surface. It smelled of vomit, not the best place for a baby to be living, “Ah so how's the baby?” Shiro said awkwardly, trying to start the conversation well, it didn't. “It killed my wife, the devil is inside that thing. I made sister-in-law take it before I had the chance to kill it. She didn't want it, said she could barely feed all her kids, what a nasty woman, maybe if she actually fed her children instead of herself, then maybe they could eat. I’m weak for not seeing the killing all the way through.” He casually said after dropping the gun on the floor and sitting on the couch covered in beer bottles.

Shiro was stunned, he didn't know what to answer that. He was guiltily thankful that Holt's mother didn't commit suicide, that her death wasn't his fault too. Holt had told him stories about how religious his family was, but this was a whole different ballgame. Shiro might as well say it here while he was close to the door and his car “ Your son died because of me. It's all my fault.” Shiro said it with such conviction like a man on death row until the end where his voice faltered. He could feel all the blood in his veins flowing so fast it was lightspeed. The tears were on the edge of his eyes. 

At first, Shiro thought maybe he hadn't heard him, but he went rigid and sat up straight like an oak. His head whipped around, he had made dog eyes with a snarled face. 

He leaped up and snaked around the couch, Mr. Holt screamed “You little fucker!”. He ran for the shotgun that he had dropped on the chair. Shiro took this as his queue to leave. He swung the door violently to get out when the first shot went off. It didn't hit him but it made him run faster. 

He got to the car by the second shot. Shiro saw the puff of dirt in front of Coran's car. He quickly turned the key and turned around in the car. The third shot rang out when he was halfway down the driveway. It didn't hit the car but Shiro knew that it landed close, so he hit the gas.

He was gunning it, for lack of a better word, down country roads. Shiro must have lost him because for the 15 minutes he was driving he hadn't seen a single car behind him. By some miracle, he got back to the main road where the gas station was. Shiro parked there, his breathing rough again. It took him less time to calm down than before. His hand still shook as it gripped the steering wheel. He could barely look at himself in the mirror, fearing he might throw up.

The adrenaline pumped through Shiro's veins like fire. It was still easy to think, and Shiro couldn't stop thinking about that baby and his shame. Maybe if Holt hadn't died he could take care of her unlike Mr. Holt or the sister-in-law. If Holt couldn't be there, maybe Shiro could. No one seemed to want this baby anymore, so he thought that maybe he should at least check up on her.

After threatening the guy working at the gas station that he'd tell his boss that he'd been sleeping on the job, the guy gave him directions to Holt’s sister’s place, and to also give him a sandwich because it was almost noonish. 

The sun beat down hard when he got to her shabby homestead. It was even more run down than the Holt’s. There were kids playing in the yard in dirty clothes, and all of them had wild light brown hair. 

All the kids stop playing when he exited his truck. Shiro hoped that there wouldn't be a gun involved this time. He walked up to the house, all the kids watching him intently, and he knocked. A fat mean looking lady answered the door who was smoking a cigarette. “Who the fuck are you?” she flatly muttered. 

He really didn't know how to answer this without being shot at again but he stated anyway. “My name is Tadashi Shirogane, and I severed with Hol-Matt in Iraq.”  
Her face was still impassive. “I'm here to see his little sister, I owe it to her, and to your family.” His voice didn't falter in this statement.

Pausing to process this then she said “Fine, come in, Matt was a good kid, kinda weird though.” inside it was in disarray, but instead of beer bottles everywhere, there were children. They walked into the living room where he sat down on an old couch past its due date. She yelled a kids name to bring her down. 

A kid came down the stairs with her on her hip. The kid, who was no more nine, looked at him puzzled,“Who's he, ma?” 

“A guy.” She stated vaguely, grabbed the baby and placed her in Shiro’s arm. “I've got another one on the way and I don't need more kids.” She complained 

She was so small, like a baby bird. “Her name’s Katie.” the pregnant lady took another huffed of her cigarette. If Holt were here, he'd be able to take care of her, not this lady who doesn't even care, Shiro thought.

Katie squirmed in his arm, eyes wide looking right in Shiro's. His breath hitched in his throat for words to say. She didn't deserve this. He was trying to hold in tears, but one of them fell onto her face. She was confused what was on her face, but she smiled at him anyway, he smiled back.

He couldn't just leave her here. Babies, of what little he knew, were not supposed to be this skinny and tiny. “I can take her.” he softly murmured. The woman spun her head to him. “What?”

“I-I'll take care of her, I've got a place and a job. It's not much but…” he paused thinking of what to say, no words came to mind. 

This is the way he can make it up to Holt’s family, for it being his fault. The women interrupted his thoughts with what almost sounded like happiness “Ok, you're doin’ all the paperwork. We'll swing by the courthouse.” She said, stomping out her cigarette in the overflowing ashtray at the end of the sofa. “I've been trying to get rid of her, the adoption agency was gonna come next week. Thanks for speeding up the process. I'll drive, give me your keys.”

Now she stood up and motioned him to follow her. Shiro got up carefully, not to move Katie, but she had fallen asleep. The woman grabbed the key from Shiro’s pocket and sat in the front seat of his truck. He was a little confused, but he got in and buckled in clumsily. 

It was kind of an awkward silence for most of the ride until Katie woke up when they hit a particular bump in the gravel road. She started to cry loudly. Shiro tried to hold her as close as possible. He didn't know what to do. 

When they got to the small building at the edge of the town, she was still crying. Inside, Shiro followed her to a clearly labeled judge's office. She walked up and practically knocked down the door. The judge was gulping down a forkful of spaghetti, which he half-choked on when he saw who was in his office.

“Jesus Carol, I told you that we don't have any other place to put her.” He the noticed Shiro holding the baby, and looked dumbstruck at Carol, who looked quite smug as she waved the previous comment away. “Well guess what? I have found a place to put her.” She put her hands on her hips while practically beaming.

The Judge rolled his eyes, taking one more bite of his spaghetti, “It's more complicated than that, like what is his financial situation, or what if y’all wanna see her?” He counteracted with his mouth full.

“I have guardian rights, and since this court gave them to me, then I can legally give them to someone else. Isn’t that right?” She walked up to him as she asked this of him and put her hands on his desk.

“I need those papers, Sir.” She demanded as she held out her hand. He finished his bite slowly, just to make her wait, and then carefully told her: “As I said before, it'll take a while.”

“What! How long?” She demanded loudly and forcibly “I don't want or need another baby in my house when I can barely feed my own. Look at me, I’ve got another on the way! So please do it as quick as possible.” Carol's voice cracked at the end. Shiro was still trying to calm down the baby, as her cries cut through what would be the silence that followed Carol’s declaration.

The judge sighed, looked Shiro in the eyes and said to him, “Are you sure you want to do this?” Shiro, without hesitation, nodded his head confidently. “I'll see what I can do.” The judge finished his spaghetti.

 

Because these were special circumstances, Shiro would be able to adopt Katie, the judge explained. There would be a home visit to see if it was suitable for a child. Carol was still signing the papers to move custody when the sun started to set behind the corn and soybeans.

“Y’all finish tomorrow. I ain't gettin’ paid overtime.” He then promptly left. Shiro, still holding Katie after all this time, was being taught how to change a diaper by one of the secretaries who took pity on him. 

Katie was sound asleep in Shiro’s arm when he got back in the car. She softly stirred in her blanket every time they hit a road bump. He was afraid she'd wake up every time, but she keeps her small brown eyes closed.

Carol had let him stay at her house on her couch for the night. In that moment when he entered the house, he remembered that he should probably alert Coran that he’d need to be wearing pants because he'd be adopting a baby and people would be coming to look at his current address. 

He sighed and dialed the number on Carol's home phone. It only rang once before Coran picked up. “Hello, Altean convenience store, how may I help you?” 

“It's me.” Shiro’s voice was tired “Shiro! Are you alright, I thought you'd be back soon, but then you weren't.” His voice trailed off like he was going to say something else.

“Sorry about that I-I had to do something. Then that lead to something else, and that something else was a baby.” Shiro paused at the last word letting it hang in the air. Coran didn't hesitate “What, you knocked up a girl already?” 

“No-No, not that, She's got nowhere else to go. She's just a baby, Coran, she so small.” He tried to keep his voice even, yet it slightly quivered.

Coran was silent for seemed like days till “So?”

“I'm in the process of adoption.” Katie stirred in his arm and yawned, her eyes were still closed. “Shiro are you sure? This is a big deal.” He said, concern in his voice. Lightly, Shiro tried to rock her slowly.

“I know, but it's something I’ve gotta do Coran.” His voice was now confident like he knew what the hell he was doing. He didn’t. Coran sighed. “Well okay kiddo, I’ll make an extra bed, crib, sorry. Can you pick up some earplugs when you get done?” Shiro smiled and said he would, then hung up promptly after thanking him for understanding. 

Carol let him have some leftovers as she heated some up for herself, and promptly left the room with her husband eyeing Shiro suspiciously. He also tried to feed Katie, but most of the ground up food ended up on her face. He laid her down to sleep and she was out. 

Katie did wake up at two in the morning and cried for a good couple of hours. It's not like Shiro slept much anyway. On the porch under all the stars made him think about what's next. How he's going to do any of it, but when he looked down at the small screaming baby, he knew it would probably end up okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for reading, love yall.


	3. Wow Parents calm thy tits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some people don't react well to Shiro's decisions.

Shiro didn't really think about his parents in this whole situation. He didn’t think about how they would technically be grandparents’ to a white baby girl that wasn't even his blood. He won’t tell them that it was his fault that the baby doesn't have a big brother anymore.

The court appeal went fine. The papers were signed and rights were handed over after a smooth home visit (with everybody wearing pants, of course). It was about 2 weeks before he finally did bring her home. Coran had bought a crib for her, “Old and wooden, but it holds a baby good” he remarked.

It's not that he wasn't telling his parents the truth about the child, he just wasn't talking about it. And when his father decided to visit his new place, he was more than a little surprised.

Shiro was doing laundry on the floor that day with the baby in his lap as she watched along with Baby Einsteins when Coran let his dad in. He'd already seen her before Shiro could do anything. He didn't know how to react. “Who’s baby is that Tadashi?” Shiro was at a loss for words. He didn’t know whether he should lie, or tell the truth. So he just shrugged.

“Who’s baby is that Tadashi Shirogane?” he said, sterner than before. Coran then decided to step in.“Shiro's of course.” His weird accent fluttered with pride at the end.

Shiro’s dad didn't process this at first but all came crashing onto his face “Dad I can explain.” He stood up now picking her up to face his dad. “You knocked up some white girl, didn't you? That's why you did ROTC, to skip out on the kid and now look at you with one arm and one baby, probably without a mother.” He snarled, immediately regretting the last part. He looked away in shame. Shiro bit his lip and decided if this was what his father wanted to think then so be it. He didn't ever want to tell why he did adopt her.

Shiro’s dad looked up at him again and said: “I'm sorry, but is he your kid Tadashi?” Shiro kept his face neutral and shortly replied “yes and he's actually a she. Her name is Katie” Shiro turned around and went back on the ground to finish the laundry and put Katie in lap. 

His dad swiftly followed hovering over him. “Is this all you're going to say about it? Does she even have a mother that's around?” Shiro didn't answer, didn't look up from the laundry which was much harder now with one arm. “What will your mother think? God, look at you only 20 with a baby. What about school? Tadashi what about your future?” Shiro clenched his fist and looked his dad right in the eyes, “What about my future? I’ve got a kid now, and I'm gonna make sure that she's gonna be alright and that's that. ” Shiro paused then continued speaking, softer now “And about school, I guess it's gonna have to wait for a while. You're a grandpa now dad, congrats.” and continued doing the laundry.

His father sighed again behind him and sat next to him on the floor watching the brightly colored cartoon not daring to look Shiro in the eyes. “So how old is she?” 

“Five months. Do you wanna hold her?” their eyes met, and Shiro smiled lightly, he was slightly faking it, and it showed, Shiro’s dad hesitantly took her into his arms. He seemed almost like a statue, an art student's first work, awkward and stiff “Jesus Tadashi, what's your mother gonna think now that she’s a grandma?” He tried laughing to make it lighter but it just made everything more awkward.

Shiro’s Mom didn't take it very well. She keeps yelling at Shrio about how stupid and foolish he was, didn't even give Shiro anytime to speak. Shiro stayed silent the whole time, biting his tongue while Katie cried the whole time. It was easier to listen to her cries than his mother's angry lecturing. 

She went on about protection and wedlock and all that shit. Her hands shook as she paced back and forth. 

When his mother finally calmed down, she started to cry. Soft sobs racked her body as she fell on the couch. Shiro sat next to her, not knowing any real way to comfort her, he just placed his head on her shoulder, as though this could help her. 

She scoffed and the sobs started to taper off. “What the fuck are you gonna do?” Shiro was surprised when she actually asked what he was gonna do. “Well I'm glad you finally asked-.” she turned to him and her face said don't say anything that's gonna make me smack you.

“I'm gonna get ice cream you want any?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god, life's been busy sorry. and this one's so short but next ones gonna be a long one

**Author's Note:**

> Well my guys, I hope you like it so far, its a work in progress.  
> my sister edited and betaed this, @Allandall  
> this chapter was inspired by the book The Last True Story I'll Ever Tell By John Crawford


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